I always feel like I have to be someone completely different to gain your approval. I looked up to you when I was younger. I wanted to be just like you. I felt so lucky to have a big brother especially since my birth father and adoptive father both bailed on me. You protected me but the older I got the less love you showed me. You became hard, cold and distance. I suddenly felt like a stranger to you. Now, I always feel dread whenever we get together at a family gathering. People tell me I shouldn't care what you think or say to me. They tell me to just ignore you and forget it. You always criticize everything about me. You made me feel so insecure about everything. Nothing was good enough.
You have always said I was ugly and fat and that any guy who found me beautiful was gay or stupid. Every time I look in the mirror all I see are imperfections and flaws. I find myself rejecting compliments and telling people that they are wrong.
You say I am stupid. You told me to hurry up and graduate or get my GED and get into college. I graduated in July and started college in August. That still wasn't enough. Because I have to take remedial math courses and go to college online you say that it isn't “real”. People tell me I am smart but I tell them that they are just saying it to make me feel better.
I told you I might become an English teacher, you said nothing. I said or maybe a writer, then you said that you were almost proud of me when I said I wanted to be a teacher but all of that went down the drain and now you are disappointed in me again.
You say because I work from home as a telemarketer that I do not have a real job and that I do not work.
Every boyfriend I ever had you said they must have something wrong with them. You found ways to criticize them as well. You are always telling me that me and my current boyfriend will break up eventually and that we won't last.
I use to want to become a singer but you always told me I was a terrible singer and that I wouldn't make it. You actually, shot down every dream I had. (Becoming a singer, writer, therapist, counselor)
I sometimes wish I was younger again. I remember one time when I was 5 or 6 years old, I was sick and you came into my room while I was watching Barney and you gave me a back rub. I remember when I was a couple years older you always would let me play video games with you. A lot of times you use to hide candy from mom and only share it with me because you knew I wouldn't tell.
You never show me any encouragement, praise, or brotherly love. Why do you hate me now? What happened? After you had to leave home and go live with your dad when you were around 17, you never cared about me anymore. You never wanted to talk to me or see me. And when you did come over, you only fought with me and criticized me. Please, tell me why you hate me now. Why can you never be proud of me? Why can you never be happy for me? Why do you find it impossible to show any emotion besides hate and brutality?
I had to write this last night and I haven't decided whether or not to send this to my brother. He probably will not care but I think it might provide me with some clousor. What do you think?